| July 25, 2004 | Christopher Cook | |
| Matthew 16:24-26 | "What Am I? Where is My Compass?" |
Often I am excited about the millions of decisions that I am going to have to make in my life. And I often become frightened about the decisions that lie ahead. I want to live a good life so much, but sometimes I think I am more afraid of living a bad life. I want to wake up when I am 90 and look back to see a tremendous amount of love and peace in my life, but I am scared of waking up when I am 90 with a terrible discontent about the choices I made and the paths that I followed. I do not think anyone here has gone through life without these thoughts. And the toughest part about it is I do not know what steps to take to live the life I want to lead.
I am a 20 year old college student studying sociology, history and education. I want to study more including religion, biology, foreign languages, English literature, etc. Sometimes I will dive into something for days or weeks absorbing all I can from a source of knowledge. But then again I said I am a 20 year old college student, so with every gust of passion for learning that comes through me, three of four hurricanes of procrastination grab me, as I become more interested in what is playing on HBO or what the ESPN commentators have to say about this or that sporting event.
Though these two facets of my life are fairly dichotomous in nature, they work together to confuse me when I try to figure out, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? When I think about it I get blown away. I think to myself, "when I graduate am I going to teach, go for my law degree, join the peace corps, take some time off, travel, fade into nothingness, get a 9-5 job, get married, have children, get my PhD, become a minister, become some other kind of spiritual leader, coach, study to be a psychologist, a psychotherapist, write? What? What? What am I going to do?"
I know I want to live a good life; actually I want to live a great life. I want to live a life of honesty, purity, and devotion; all adding to a life of love and inner peace. The only thing is I do not know what I have to do to get all of this, what direction I have to follow. Is it possible for me to be a single man and have all of these things? Yes! Is it also possible to be married with five kids and have all of these things? Yes! And it is possible to be a thousand different types of men and live a life filled with the qualities I listed already.
One book I read recently entitled, The World's Religions, Huston Smith describes this point of the ability to live an equally good life in a thousand different directions well. When discussing Hinduism, Smith writes "There are many paths to the same summit." As I did when I read the idea, I am certain you are all picturing the truth in the statement. Certainly when we look at any mountain, for this analogy the mountain may be interpreted as our lives, there are so many different starting points we can begin at, speeds, directions and terrains we can travel, yet they all have the potential to lead us to the same spiritual summit.
When I think about that passage in Huston's book, a certain level of comfort comes to me as more clarification is provided to me that the "good life" I want does not depend so much on figuring out 'what I want to do with the rest of my life?' but rather on the type of life I lead. It is not long after I come to terms with this that I come to a new, maybe even harder question, "how do I go about starting the type of life I want to live, how do I become the person I want to be?"
1. Who Am I? Wrong pursuit!
For a long time I have hoped that I would be able to figure out what to do with my life if I reached some kind of answer to the question that everyone asks of themselves at some point or another. That question is: "Who am I?" As I searched for an answer, I assumed I did not know who I was at all because I had not committed myself to the search fully. And I presumed that once I unlocked what lay at the core of my existence, I would understand the direction I need to take. When I was at Dickinson College in the fall of 2002, I was so committed to finding out "who I was." I meditated, prayed and did anything else I thought would help me arrive at an answer. I knew that I was not who I thought I should be. But then again, my search was not complete. When I did something that I was not proud of, and believe me I did many of them, I concluded that the actions were not a representation of who I really was, because I did not know who I was.
Though I continued to search ferociously, I continued to find nothing. When the searching didn't work, I began a long period of time in which I waited on the edge of my seat for that epiphany, that poof, to come out of nowhere and reveal to me who I was, thus guiding me to a life of honesty, purity, devotion, love and peace. But that poof never came. That understanding of who I am never really arrived. After months of searching and then months of waiting, I got tired and decided I needed to take a break from searching and waiting for an answer to the question "who am I?" I do not mean to say that I had abandoned my self-reflective ness and lived a profane existence because that would be far from the truth, but I did take a break from looking for what lies at the core of my existence. Little did I know that the search I was so committed to was probably not the search wanted to be on all along.
2. What Am I?
Then, at the end of this past semester, when I came home from my new school Northeastern University, the situations in my life provided me with time and a need think about my life; to think about me. One afternoon early in the summer my dad and I got to talking. I told him that I was excited to re-pursue the question of "Who am I?" I explained to him how I took some time off from the pursuit but felt it was necessary to begin again.
This is the point in the conversation in which my dad said something that re-shaped my perspective, something my father can do quite often. He said to me that he thought college kids, admitting he did it also as a college student, concentrated too much on the question of "Who am I?" "It is not that important," he said. I laughed and said, "Thanks for the support dad." But he went on to explain how my focus was just a little off. He explained that by asking "Who am I?" you search for something that you never may find, and which may not even exist. The fact is we are all subject to change, to grow, and to expand, and so who we are will change, grow and expand. The reality is that the core of who we are is changing.
So instead of asking "who I am?" and looking for qualities that will not change my father suggested that I should instead ask honestly and forthright, "What am I?" By asking "what am I?" I can not escape the reality of who I am now, in a sense admitting to myself that I know who I am now. There is a certain responsibility and accountability that comes with asking "What" rather than "Who am I?" In other words I cannot make excuses for my mistakes now because of some bogus reason that the person who committed those actions was not really who I am at the core. Now I am approaching the search looking for what I actually am, not who I am at some level that may not exist. I am looking at what I am doing as an extension of who I am, not as something removed from me. I am trying to take accountability for everything I am doing, mistakes included.
Since that conversation with my father, I have been left contemplating a lot about who I mean "what I am? I have kind of gone down the list of my life. I am white, I am male, I am American. I am a 20 year old college student at a fairly respected university. My home is in one of the richest areas of the richest countries in the world. I play lacrosse. I have a great family. I am tremendously lucky to have all that I have. I think I am a decent all around guy. I commit sins. Sometimes I am an ungrateful brat. Sometimes I am too arrogant. I have broken promises, I have lied, I have betrayed. I have done things that make me cringe when I think about the fact that I have done them. I have hurt people I love, and I have hurt people I don't love. I get angry. I feel lust. I am not the smartest person in the world, though sometimes I think I am. I am confused a lot. I am so lucky. I don't know much of anything outside of my own life. I want to grow, I want to pursue a good life, I want to be respected, I want to create happiness in people's lives, and I want peace. I am so lucky to have all that I have, and I take that for granted.
3. Asking, "Is this what I want to be? What compass are we following?"
As I read this list, you may have noticed that there are some attributes which I credit to me actually being, and there are others, which I want to be. I am a liar and I am hurtful. I want to live a good life and I want to grow. And so the question comes in two parts What am I really? And is this what I want to be?
I am sure even when the greatest person here asks themselves these questions they will not be able to say that they are everything they want to be. Undoubtedly we all have aspects of our personality and our character that we do not like. We may even hate parts of ourselves. And we probably want to change these parts. I have these parts. I have revealed some to you, but in reality there is more I want to change.
However, changing these parts can be tougher than we expect because it may require us to find and then redirect the compass that leads us, a compass we may be unfamiliar with. I think of a compass as representing the tool that guides us, the reason we move the way we do. No matter how much a person may think they do not follow anything, everyone follows some kind of compass. A compass can be a value, a role-model, a dream. It is what guides us to do what we do on the journey of our lives. By looking at the motivations for our actions we can examine our compass quite clearly. For example if I do something for my own personal benefit, then my desire may be my compass. If I do something to help someone, then my belief in the importance of helping others may be my compass. If I do something because I want others to respect me, than what other people think is my compass. If I do something because my religion tells me to do it, then religion is my compass. If I do not do something because I am scared of the consequences, then fear is my compass.
As I go through this list some of you may be thinking about your own lists. You may be thinking to yourselves what guides me to do what I do? You may even be thinking specifically, why do I work extra hours for extra money? Because I want to buy a bigger, faster, more expensive car. Is this the compass you want to live by? As I go through the list I am thinking to myself, why do I try so hard in school, because I want to learn, or because I just want to have the grades? Is this the compass I want to live by?
The reality is that we all get off track sometimes, and it is hard to stay on track. But we need to recognize and take a look at where our compass is taking us. If in each action we commit, we can answer to ourselves that we are following our compass in the direction we want to go, then we wage ahead. If not, then we need to reevaluate and maybe even tweak our compass. Maybe the reason we are off a little bit, or even a lot, is because our compass points east when we want to be heading north, or south when we want to head west, on the journey to living the life we want to lead.
I understand that it is tough to stop and think about where our compass is in everything we do. We all live busy lives, and there is just so much to do in the time we are given. But what if the compass that directs us to do the things we do in our lives is not the compass that we want to live our life by? You can apply any action of yours to this line of questioning. "What compass am I following, and is this the compass I want to follow?" The questioning of where our compass is taking us is so important. If we look at the second scripture reading from this morning we can see the importance of asking for our direction when Jesus spoke to his disciples. In Matthew 16:26 Jesus says, "what good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world yet forfeits his soul" In relation to this idea of following a compass, what good will it be for a man to live a life, if he forgets the direction he wants to go?
This process of asking what our compass is and if it is taking us where we want to go surprisingly works. We can see it in people through history. I found it to be a strange twist of fate that last week Pastor Vibert talked about not only Martin Luther King Jr., but Gandhi as well. There are no other men who have lived in the past 100 years whom I would love to model my life after more than these two men. I have read biographies on both, and they have helped provide me with an understanding that living a life committed to truth and love can work amazing things. In many ways their lives, have been compasses of mine.
Not only did these men do so many things with the actions of their lives, but they also lived filled with honesty, purity, devotion and a sense of peace. How did they do it? Maybe they just had an uncanny ability to understand what was true to the way they wanted to live their lives more so than we do? Unlikely. Or maybe they took the time to mediate and strengthen their focus, and understand where their compass was taking them. More likely. Certainly these men obtained so much in their lives, but they never forfeited their soul, or forgot their direction.
Now I understand these are two of the best people ever to have lived. So comparing ourselves to them may be a little daunting, even unfair. But they each asked questions we can ask ourselves. Where is my compass taking me, and is this where I want to go?
I am going to take a minute to apologize right now because this sermon is not meant to provide answers. I hope that afterwards you can ask yourself where your compass is leading you, and if this is where you want to go. But I have not and I will not give you a compass to follow.
Is the Bible the right compass? Is Jesus Christ the right compass? Is some maxim that fits nicely onto a postcard the right compass? I could stand up here and say that there is only one compass, and the Bible and/or Jesus Christ. I could say that if we have a strong background in the New Testament we will be provided with a compass to live by in every situation. That may work for some people. But I cannot say it will work for all people, and I cannot say if it totally works for me either. Remember there are many paths to the same summit!
Today I have shared with you nothing more than what I have always shared with you in my sermons, my honest thoughts. Again, I am not up here claiming to speak the truth. I am here only presenting my thoughts, and my development.
Perhaps, as revealed in the first scripture reading this morning, a compass we could live our lives by may not be in anything too complicated. The compass we follow could be something we all have done and all know how to do, love. As 1st Corinthians chapter 13:3 reveals: "If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." For really if we think about it, if I travel to a destination that we believe to have meaning, but have no love, it is likely that we have accomplished nothing. So we could follow the compass of love. And though love is a compass we should all probably follow more, even this compass may be clear for some and unclear for others. Again do not take anything I say to be the truth, because what do I know?
If you do take anything I say today. Take the steps that I hope to continue to apply to my life and apply them to yours. Ask yourselves, the simple questions, "What am I? Is this what I want to be? Where is my compass, and is it where I want it to be?"
The fact is there are so many options, so many ways to go. Each of you have gone different ways. And I will probably go yet another way. But like many of you I answered the questions I asked today the same. Am I what I want to be? No! Am I following the compass I want to follow? Not always. But at least now I can move forward on the journey of my life, tweaking my compass as I go, so that I will head north when I want to head north. Good luck with your journey, and God bless!
Let us pray.